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Ghost_minnow
Bluegill Username: Ghost_minnow
Post Number: 117 Registered: 4-2008
Rating: N/A Votes: 0 (Vote!) | Posted on Wednesday, January 14, 2009 - 6:21 pm: |
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I was over on TBH and found a great thread that made my side hurt. I had to share it over here. Now this is not me that did this, but rather someone registered on TBH. I still love the read!!!!! http://discussions.texasbowhunter.com/forums/showthread.php?t=69026 Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser. The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the atteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!" What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it stupid," reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD...WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT WAS THAT!?! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a Taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative? A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!! I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Phil 4:13
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Redskeeter
Moderator Username: Redskeeter
Post Number: 435 Registered: 8-2007
Rating: N/A Votes: 0 (Vote!) | Posted on Thursday, January 15, 2009 - 8:43 am: |
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lmao.... ouch .. KBD Fishing
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Nyyankee
Bluegill Username: Nyyankee
Post Number: 129 Registered: 8-2008
Rating: N/A Votes: 0 (Vote!) | Posted on Thursday, January 15, 2009 - 9:22 am: |
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Won a $500 bet at an all night party at my yankee redneck friends house on a dare to put his dog's invisible fence shock collar on my nuts and run across his property line. Tied the collar on and took off running as fast as I could, ran about 50 yards then heard him yell See Ya and all I know is I went down like a sack of potatoes. Those guys still have tears in their eyes from laughing, he told me later that just before I started running he had adjusted it to the highest shock level. What I still don't understand is why the dog was the only one to come over and see if I was alright. |
Planoracer
Minnow Username: Planoracer
Post Number: 17 Registered: 3-2007
Rating: N/A Votes: 0 (Vote!) | Posted on Thursday, January 15, 2009 - 10:26 am: |
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Sounds like something from the jackass movie. |
Ozziefish
Lunker Username: Ozziefish
Post Number: 1068 Registered: 8-2004
Rating: N/A Votes: 0 (Vote!) | Posted on Thursday, January 15, 2009 - 5:52 pm: |
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Man that was funny... OzzieFish "Glory to GOD in the Highest"
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Ghost_minnow
Bluegill Username: Ghost_minnow
Post Number: 120 Registered: 4-2008
Rating: N/A Votes: 0 (Vote!) | Posted on Thursday, January 15, 2009 - 8:44 pm: |
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Quote: Won a $500 bet at an all night party at my yankee redneck friends house on a dare to put his dog's invisible fence shock collar on my nuts and run across his property line. Tied the collar on and took off running as fast as I could, ran about 50 yards then heard him yell See Ya and all I know is I went down like a sack of potatoes. Those guys still have tears in their eyes from laughing, he told me later that just before I started running he had adjusted it to the highest shock level. What I still don't understand is why the dog was the only one to come over and see if I was alright. Quote. Wow......Thats all that I can say is..........Well.......Wow..*Sigh* I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Phil 4:13
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Ozziefish
Lunker Username: Ozziefish
Post Number: 1070 Registered: 8-2004
Rating: N/A Votes: 0 (Vote!) | Posted on Friday, January 16, 2009 - 10:00 am: |
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$500.00 isn't nearly enough for a stunt like that and a case of beer or more would be required too. OzzieFish "Glory to GOD in the Highest"
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Nyyankee
Bluegill Username: Nyyankee
Post Number: 130 Registered: 8-2008
Rating: N/A Votes: 0 (Vote!) | Posted on Friday, January 16, 2009 - 10:26 am: |
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Ozz there was plenty of beer involved it was our annual game dinner. It started out as a challenge to put the collar on my neck. Then people started throwin down cash on the table and some numb skull says I'll throw in a hundred but the collar goes on his balls, everyone started digging in their pockets and it ended up at 500. At first I said no way then everyone started chicken cluckin at me and walkin around like chickens and well you know how that goes. |
Ghost_minnow
Bluegill Username: Ghost_minnow
Post Number: 121 Registered: 4-2008
Rating: N/A Votes: 0 (Vote!) | Posted on Friday, January 16, 2009 - 7:23 pm: |
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(Quote) then everyone started chicken cluckin at me and walkin around like chickens (Quote) Man they could have done all the clucking they wanted to. High voltage and my jewels ain't never going to be partners!!!! Al be it that in my younger years I did do some rather crazy stuff while being ten foot tall with alcohol!!! LOL I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Phil 4:13
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